But, I also know many Christians who carry around a sense of guilt that their behavior is not aligned with their convictions. They feel like hypocrites. Many of them decide to leave the faith to avoid the cognitive dissonance that they experience.
Others just live with a residual sense of guilt. At least in this area, I feel a sense of pride that there is an alignment between my faith and my behavior. Though possibly less than in the past, there continues to be a double standard for men and women. Men are not typically stigmatized by their sexual conquests while promiscuous women are often cast in a negative light. It means a lot to me that my wife was a virgin when we married. She saved herself as a gift to the man she would marry.
And, I am honored that I could give the same thing back to her. For you, the key is to give the gift of monogamy to one another. That too is something to be quite proud about. Men have a reputation often justifiably so that when we are in a relationship that we ultimately only have one thing on our mind. All of the flowers, the candy, the dinners, and the engaging conversation are ultimately about coaxing the young lady to the bedroom.
Given that I did not pursue sexual intercourse in any of my dating relationships, I am proof that not all guys are only interested in sex. I wanted companionship. I wanted to have fun together. I wanted intellectual stimulation. I wanted closeness. But, I expected sex to only happen after matrimony. Yes, there are some guys who are focused on sexual conquest or self-centeredness to getting their own biological urges satisfied.
But, there are many guys like I was with a much broader view. By the way, this is a big issue even after you get married. We husbands have to avoid the trap of coming across as only wanting sex from our wives. We need to give spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy to have a thriving marriage.
There are no memories of prior enjoyable experiences that might leave me disappointed in any aspect of our physical intimacy. Sure, we have our sexual miscues as does every long-term relationship. My wife and I have had conversations with them over the years about our expectation that they commit themselves to waiting until marriage to have sex.
We can speak with authority. Of course, I have no idea if they will heed our advice and prayer. But, they will always know in spite of what the culture presents to them that their parents did it.
In this area as in many others, we want to model our values and our faith to our children and future generations of the Arnold family. It is simply to reflect on my own gratitude and model for those with like values. I grew up seeing parents who slept around, did a lot of drugs and alcohol, and cheater on their spouses so saving yourself for your partner and displaying genuine love is an awesome thing!
I appreciate hearing this from a man because there is so much negative message from and about men on this front. As a woman, it is great to read an article like this from a man who has intentionally waited, showing that it is possible and what the benefits have been. Thank u for telling everyone that there r major advantages to remaining inactive until a suitable partner is found.
I expect my husband to refrain from physical relationship until after marriage, and marriage is by definition when a man signs a legal binding contract in which his responsibilitys forever after r clearly documented in writing, in front of competent witnesses, because that is what is best for his wife and children and men must be held accountable for their actions. Trust in such circumstances include the trust that their partner will not engage in marital infidelity in the presence or absence of adversities.
Considering that many wall posts in the group suggest that virgins have high discipline and self-control, the same is perceived to be essential to abstain from infidelity in marriage. As such, men whose wives are not virgins at the time of marriage may be unlikely to trust their virgin wives to not engage in marital infidelity regardless of whether they were or were not the premarital sexual partner.
For example, non-virgin women who marry their premarital sexual partner may equally not be trusted as non-virgins who marry a man who was not their premarital sexual partner. Some members of the group argue that the inability of the woman to restrain her husband from sexual activity before marriage is an indication that he will not restrain other men.
Sex outside marriage has a lot of adverse side effects, suspicions being one of them. Most men and women that have had sex outside marriage often find it very difficult to trust each other when they are married, even if they engaged in it with each other!
There will be a lot of suspicious and negative thoughts running through their minds, especially whenever their partners are not with them. Some men will not allow his wife to get a job involving frequent travels because he does not trust her to stay sexually faithful to him.
Some people cannot cope with the fact that their spouse came back an hour later than usual. There would always be this inner feeling that their partner is unfaithful to them. Because of their past sexual escapades, people like these find it difficult to trust their partners.
Such people hardly experience true peace even when they eventually get married because they have proven themselves to have self-control and restrain. When you are used to disciplining your appetite daily, you will not fall cheaply into sexual and emotional temptations. In the same way, some wall post examines partner trust in the face of adversity. For example, a comment on the group highlights that virginity before marriage could also enhance trust in a marriage, especially when faced with hardships such as difficulty conceiving or illnesses:.
She has been married for 16 years without a child. They have done several medical check-ups, and nothing has been reported to be medically wrong with either of them. The man is still clinging to God to date to bless the womb of his wife. He also understands that the wife did not have an unsafe abortion that may have affected her reproductive ability.
He encourages her every time and makes sure she does not get worried. These perceptions also result from the belief that women cannot forget their first sexual partner even after marriage. Some participants affirm that women are likely to remain attached to their first sexual partner even after marriage and maybe engage in marital infidelity with the same if circumstances permit such as living in the same city, neighbourhood or compound.
My brother, any girl that does not cry and shout on her wedding night, is not a virgin. Choose wisely, do not allow them to deceive you. She will tell you that she has forgotten about her first sexual partner and cannot return to him after marriage. My brother, it is a lie.
After marriage, pray that she does not see the guy again. Multiple posts and comments on the group imply that virgins report the highest level of sexual satisfaction and fidelity in marriage.
Some wall posts and comments attempt to link non-virginity with having a wide vaginal canal and is perceived to result in sexual dissatisfaction in marriage. Those who marry as virgins, on the other hand, are perceived to have the potential to learn how to make love to their spouse and with equal sexual strength.
If you get married as a virgin, you will not compare anyone sexually to your spouse. You are content with any performance you see. Others would have to compare with more than people with whom they have had sex. If a man and a woman marry without indulging in sex until marriage, it will not be an issue, even if the sexual activity only lasts for two minutes.
If she has not had sex, it does not matter how small your manhood is as a man; you will be enough for her. However, if she is not a virgin, no matter how big or long your manhood is, you cannot guarantee her to stay, keeping her or satisfying her.
This can lead to extramarital affairs and, if not nipped in the bud, the collapse of the marriage. Beyond identifying some of the perceived benefits of saving sex for marriage, the wall posts and comments on the group also highlight important gender differences in how virginity may be beneficial for marriage, especially between couples.
An example of this perception is presented in the wall post below. A virgin bride and a virgin groom have the special joy of learning together from no one except each other. On their wedding night, the groom is happy that his bride has not had sex with another man, and she is glad that he never had sex with other girls.
Some group comments suggest that a virgin man at marriage would never be happy with his wife if she is not a virgin. More importantly, if he considers virginity as a gift. On the contrary, multiple wall posts and comments also suggest that a union in which only the male partner is a virgin is better than a two-partner virgin union. Some participants who interpreted virginity as a process reflect that the male partner needs to have some sexual experience for the wife to be sexually satisfied in marriage.
In the same way, those who interpreted virginity as a gift emphasized that a non-virgin spouse often male will cherish the virgin usually female spouse more because he receives a valuable gift that he is not able to give. He is also expected to reciprocate in kind. Sometimes, when two virgins marry, they will not appreciate each other when only one partner is a virgin.
Lastly, a common theme that emerged in all of the gendered dynamics of virginity and marriage is the emphasis on female chastity until marriage. Others may have also lost their virginity as a result of previous experience of sexual abuse. Many ladies were deceived by men they thought will marry them; they were deceived into dropping their guard. Many guys walk away from ladies simply because the ladies refused to give them sex; some are even tempted to give away their virginity to keep the guys.
No one has the right to condemn another when you do not know their stories. In several African countries, abstinence until marriage is the focus of many sexual and reproductive health messaging.
Multiple studies have examined the conceptualizations and lay attitudes towards virginity Amuyunzu-Nyamongo et al. However, far less is known about the socially constructed and perceived benefits of premarital sexual abstinence or virginity.
This study fills this gap in the literature and, in so doing, contributes to the literature on sexuality and marriage in multiple ways. A key contribution of this study is its fine-grained analysis of wall posts on a peer-led Facebook group to elucidate how interactions on social media could reflect dominant cultural narratives about gender, sexuality, and culture. Several themes emerged from the analysis, including the conceptualization of virginity, its perceived benefit for marital bliss and how these are patterned by gender and relationship dynamics.
As highlighted in this study, many ideas about virginity emphasized the gendered and double sexual standards that promote and value virginity for women but not for men Blinn-Pike et al. This description of virginity loss is consistent with the literature Abboud et al. The relationship between hegemonic masculinity and sexual behaviour has been studied extensively in the past Currier, ; Dalessandro et al. Hegemonically masculine men are deemed to have an uncontrollable and unquenchable sexual desire.
At the same time, women are considered less sexual, expected to be virgins and are policed by assessing their hymen Wilkins, This is further evident in the ways that the members of the group describe the gendered dimension of virginity. Although many members of the group agree that virginity loss was considered possible only through penile-vaginal intercourse, an expanded definition of virginity was also reflected in several wall posts on the group.
Some members of the group also focus on social and subjective constructed definitions of virginity loss that includes non-penetrative sexual activity. Members of the group also did not consider non-penetrative sexual acts as a violation of virginity but consider it a form of impurity. This description of virginity presented in the accounts of young adults is consistent with the literature.
Scholars have generally described virginity in terms of sexual and subjective dimensions Blinn-Pike et al. In our analysis, we also observed the multiple descriptions that participants give virginity loss. Most notably, participants use the terms respect, discipline, among others. These descriptions are consistent with scholarship on the topic and literature on sexuality in Africa in which young people who have sex premaritally are dubbed as irresponsible, spoiled or ungodly Izugbara, ; Lenzi et al.
As previously noted, premarital sexual abstinence is rooted in cultural and religious beliefs, which dubbed the acts sinful, immoral, and wrong Izugbara, This finding is consistent with Bhana, in South African townships in which girls described deep, internalised cultural connections between virginity and respectability and community identity. On the contrary, participants use derogatory words to describe non-virgins, including someone who is sexually loose, used and dumped, among others.
The interpretations of virginity and virginity loss also reflect how hegemonic masculinities motivate girls and women to be bullied when they deviate from normative sexual behaviours and feminine gender presentations such as abstaining from sexual activity until marriage Messerschmidt, ; Miller, Surprisingly, young people who should be key for delivering comprehensive and less threatening sexuality information are observed in this study to be reproducing existing dominant binary gender roles, norms and moralistic positions on gender roles and sexuality.
Our research also paints a clearer picture of the social benefit of saving sex for marriage than prior studies. We found a similarity between the interpretations of virginity loss on the group and the interpretative framework of virginity and virginity loss proposed by Carpenter , More importantly, the gift and the process framework resonated with how most of the wall posts on the group interpreted virginity loss. The double sexual standard is also reflected in the way that participants in the group interpret virginity loss.
Virginity loss for women was interpreted mostly in terms of a gift but shame for men. These findings are consistent with the literature on virginity and sexuality. Among young males in the United States, about one-third of the males viewed virginity as a gift Carpenter, In the Republic of Congo, female participants viewed virginity as a gift given to the husband Mulumeoderhwa, A few members of the group also reiterate that virginity may be a precondition to attain satisfaction in marriage, further confirming the central premise of this study about the possible benefit of virginity.
The members of the group diverged in their perceived marital benefits of sexual abstinence until marriage. Women who married as virgins were perceived to be highly adorned and respected by their partners. This finding corresponds with the only study of the representations of sexual abstinence among rural Nigerian adolescent males Izugbara, Prior studies have suggested that in settings where virginity is highly valued, virginity preserved until marriage is symbolic of honour Cinthio, and prestige such as higher bridewealth.
The finding that virgins are likely to be trusted is inconsistent with findings in the literature Mulumeoderhwa, Mulumeoderhwa , for example, argues that the resulting lack of trust often generates misunderstanding, arguments and conflict between partners. Women who do not bleed during their first sexual intercourse in marriage may suffer humiliation. In their study, Diefendorf found that how young Christian men negotiated their masculine identities prior to marriage tend to remain in potentially disruptive ways.
The inability to fully navigate their sexuality before marriage based on the informed decision rather than denial, seeing sex as something evil or a model of temptation and accountability, positions these men to be unprepared for the sexual lives after marriage, albeit now with little support Diefendorf, Finally, we attempted to offer some compelling evidence regarding the conceptualizations of virginity, but this study is not without limitations.
One such limitation is the sample composition. The majority of the participants were from Nigeria. As such, most of the messages and interactions on the group may have been dominated by young adults in Nigeria and may more closely reflect the Nigerian culture. This, however, does not mean that participants from other countries or cultures were restricted from posting on the group. Furthermore, examining the actual relationship between virginity and the perceived benefits is beyond the scope of this study.
As a result, it is anticipated that several future studies will follow this study to provide deeper insights into the associations between saving sex for marriage virginity and some of the perceived benefits identified in this study using robust and nationally representative survey data.
Awareness of such relationships may provide a richer understanding of the magnitude of these beliefs and whether these beliefs about virginity and marital bliss cuts across the different socioeconomic groups.
Despite this reality, the anonymity of data from the group did not permit such analysis beyond the aggregated demographic data available via Facebook insights. In the past, masculinity has always been viewed as something generated and enacted by men, positioning women as mere consumers of masculinity rather than active agents in its construction and reproduction.
However, it is also likely that women conform to and preserve components of emphasized femininity to attain some of the specific benefits outlined in this study, such as respect and honour from their spouse and his family.
This study has attempted to illustrate the potential for understanding the complexity of social issues using data from social media platforms like Facebook. The narratives described in this article further highlight several issues that may be of interest to researchers and policymakers.
As highlighted in this study, highly effective and culturally sensitive sexuality education is needed to help young people attain sexuality esteem without posing adverse effects on their health and well-being. The multiplicity of views about abstinence elicited by this study shows that it is dangerous to continue to endorse policies that do not support holistic knowledge about sexuality to all young people. The derogatory manner in which members of the group described non-virgins calls for adequate strategies in addressing masculine ideologies that motivate girls to be bullied for not conforming to normative sexual behaviour.
Such traditional norms — in the context of high pressure to offer sex as an expression of love and in settings with high levels of sexual violence place adolescent girls and young women in a precarious situation.
The findings further highlight the need for engaging young adults in sexuality discussions, particularly on platforms like social media that emphasize bi-directional information. As we have shown, such engagements can uncover dominant stereotypes in the community that may put women at risk of adverse sexual health.
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